Aliba D'Rav
  • Home
  • About
  • Contact
  • Weekly Column
  • Politics
  • On being a rabbi
  • THE SIXTY FUND
  • SOMETHING SPECIAL

weekly column

Each week, find a commentary on something connected to verses of Torah or another source of wisdom

​IT HURTS WHEN I GO LIKE THIS

2/27/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
Wisdom Wherever You Find It
 
The best revenge is not to be like that.   Marcus Aurelius
 
It was Henny Youngman who said, “A patient says to a doctor, ‘Doc, it hurts when I go like this.’  And the doctor says, ‘Then don’t go like that.’” I know better than to try to take apart a joke to see why it is funny.  Fortunately, I have Marcus Aurelius to analyze instead.
 
The quotation is actually in Greek, which means that I am working in translation.  In my attempt to be certain was at least close to the original, I looked at a number of sources, each of which put the translator’s own little spin on the original.  Most of them wanted the observation to sound more like Marcus Aurelius and less like Henny Youngman.  But the one that splits the difference (by using archaic English) is this: “The best way of avenging thyself is not to do likewise.”  In other words, if it hurt when someone did that, don’t do that.
 
It may be a little heretical to say I like this version better than the aphorism that emerged from Jewish and Christian sources roughly at the same time in history.  Jesus phrased it positively: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.  Hillel phrased it preventatively: That which is distasteful to you, do not unto others.  (Disclaimer: those are also translations.)  But Marcus Aurelius acknowledges what is really part of the human condition. People who have been wronged want revenge.
 
Revenge is a peculiar emotion that has motivated bad history and great literature, but in the end it is imitative.  The person who seeks revenge wants to preserve, even intensify, something hurtful and outrageous.  In dispassionate moments, most people would likely come around to the notion that nothing but private satisfaction is gained by returning wound for wound, and even that satisfaction is short-lived.  But in the throes of injury, especially when it is intentionally inflicted, the victim thinks from the place of pain rather than wisdom.
 
In fact, the more popular translation of this Greek phrase is “The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”  By substituting the offender – presumed to be an enemy – for the offending behavior, the sufferer animates the pain by giving it a body and life force, which can then be eliminated or, for the principled Stoic, spared.  It’s almost as if Henny Youngman’s patient replies, “You’re a quack, and I am going to give you a bad Yelp review.”  Ruins the joke.
 
The notion that the best revenge is to delegitimate the bad behavior is, to my mind, a huge step forward.  I could say that unlike tit-for-tat, taking the high road gives me the sense that I am improving the world around me by modeling a kinder, gentler way to comport myself.  I am not that noble.  Rather, it allows me to feel smug, which is not a particularly admirable character trait, but it keeps me out of jail.  Also, it actually does improve the world.  Revenge may be organic, but it pollutes the human family the way carbon emissions make life more difficult for everyone.
 
Whether you take your cues from Marcus, Jesus, or Hillel (or even Henny), the formula for living a good life is to reduce the suffering in this world, not only for yourself and those you love, and not only for people you never knew, but for the people who did you dirt.  Might that latter group feel they got away with something and try it again?  It’s a possibility, and maybe even a likelihood (if I am feeling a little cynical).  The resolution to a grievance is the pursuit of justice, not revenge.
 
I have plotted revenge many times in my life.  If you don’t hold me to it, I may admit I attempted it once or twice.  But honestly, all it does is renew the original pain, and what I always really wanted was for the pain to go away.  That’s why the best revenge is not to be like that.
 
Take my advice.  Please.

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Jack Moline is a rabbi, non-profit exec, and social commentator.  

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • About
  • Contact
  • Weekly Column
  • Politics
  • On being a rabbi
  • THE SIXTY FUND
  • SOMETHING SPECIAL